So where am I now...

I'm trusting and loving the Lord.

My life is not mine, it is the Lord's.

I take one day, one moment at a time.

Most of the time I'm just "resting" in His hands experiencing whatever experience He brings to me.

I am not angry or bitter, if I was then everything I've said about God being in control of every aspect of my life would be a lie. To be angry/bitter would show that I really don't trust Him and want control of my own life. Or that I don't trust or accept His decision.

I do experience anguishing loss that comes from somewhere deep within. It comes unannounced. The only thing I can compare it to is death, when you can be fine one minute and then the next your in tears.

So I am truly content within my Lord, my everything ! How I love Him with such a passion !

Anything that happens in this life, may it always only be for His glory !!

The jokes on me...

You know, you think the Lord will save you.

You hope and pray and hope some more.

Then He lets you sink.

He's made clear to me that He is victorious in all this. I took that victorious meant He would swoop in and save the day. Well, obviously He didn't.

He is victorious because like humility - you win when you lose.

I still trust and love my Lord, but He has broken my heart.
He has abandoned me yet again.
So I sit here and just struggle again everyday, every moment.

I miss my husband. It's like a death, one moment I (or the the kids) are fine and the next moment there's tears and such gripping sorrow and agony.