Update: I just wanted to add that I hope people don't take what I say the wrong way. It's not that I'm depressed or anything like that. It's simply the deep workings of the cross that are crushing me (us.) It's very, very hard to even attempt to put these things into words.

I am hanging, barely !

Because I feel hopeless.

This world has become such an atrocity and so evil, it seems to try and penetrate from all angles continually.

I feel hopeless about my husbands (legal) case, he still could have to go back to jail.

Please pray the Lord will be merciful.

I want to quit and throw in the towel.

Did I mention, I hate this world !

I am thrown into this place that's so dark and Satan lurks everywhere.

I just want my Lord but I fear He is so ashamed of me that He tolerates me but is very unhappy with me.

I feel rejected by Him, I am unworthy to even be in His presence.

I know He hears me but I'm not for sure He really listens anymore.

I just want certainty and ease of life that is now vanished.

My Father blessed me so richly and I never truly appreciated it.

Shame on me !

The things I thought were hard, I would be so grateful for now.

It's like a grain of sand that starts rolling, as it continues rolling it picks up more and more sand (crap) and soon is a small ball.
Then it continues on it's path picking up more and more sand until this small ball becomes a massive ball rolling faster and faster.

I feel like this "ball" that has so much momentum that it can't slow down.

I'm just overwhelmed and to try and go day to day can be very challenging.

With homeschooling (2 kids,) trying to still unpack and make our house look homey, get the kids rooms set up, trim bushes, make meals, do laundry, dealing with having only one bathroom (of course no privacy ever,) take care of husband, house, and pets, not having the church, the legal crap and having to give our van back because we can't afford it because my husband can't get a second job because of the "stain" the legal issues have left, it's just truly never ending.

I go through many different stages.

I hate the circumstance I've been pushed into but there's really nothing I can do about it.

I try to "make myself feel better" by telling myself that God's in control and He's put us here, but that only makes it SO much worse !

I've also realize how much I hate myself, a hate that infects my whole being.

So I trudge through each day, some days are OK. Some days are "good days" but most are overshadowed with fear of the unknown...

Especially as court looms in the future (beginning of October) which will determine if my husbands case will go to trial. we are praying not.

Please pray for me (and my husband) dear Sisters !

Deborah

When one door of happiness closes, another opens, often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us. Helen Keller

It's interesting to me how our Father sometimes has to rattle things to their core and destroy them to rebuild from the ground up.

This is an interesting period of time for me right now.

I was watching a show and a lady said something that really hit me, she said "wouldn't it be such a waste to go through something (devastating) and come out the same person, unchanged, what a true waste that would be."

I remember thinking, what a great perspective !

I wouldn't change one thing over the last few months, I wouldn't because those things that rattled me to the very core of who I was are the very things that have now been removed.

I was put into situations to face my fears, fears that were at the heart of who I was and those fears steered their course throughout every aspect of my life.

Fears that were so entwined within me that I wasn't even (really) aware they were there.

I think that's why the saying, "we have to face our fears" is SO true. Because unless we face them head on, we never get over them and there's always residue that remains within us.

Through facing those fears head on (or rather the Lord throwing me head on into them) I had to trust the Lord.

Trust Him in a way that is extremely delicate and intimate, something that I can't really put into words.

When you face death, you no longer fear it...
When you breath life, life becomes your breath...
When you live love, love is life...
When you accept the cross, the cross becomes love...
When you embrace the cross, the cross becomes Christ Himself...

Now I find something surprising happening, the beginning of life springing forth from within. A life that is so pure and new !

Deborah