So it's been a month and a half since my husband has been incarcerated.

It's been pure hell. Some day's I can barely get myself out of bed, let alone try and take care of my children.

My Lord has shared with me a whole "new" meaning to "take up your cross daily and follow me."

Is amusing to me now the things I used to think were such a cross, well they were because of where I was.

I am at the lowest of lowest places right now BUT it's OK. The Lord is good and merciful !

I've also learned that the same way we share in His sufferings He also shares in ours. From Him, through Him, and back to Him.

A shade of darkness

Isn't it interesting how when you wear sunglasses how much prettier and enticing colors seems to become ?

I was thinking about this the other day when I was driving and with my sunglasses on the normal hills of purple seemed so vibrant with my sunglasses on.

I thought of how it's so similar to the deception of Satan.

How easy it is to fall into the trap of just a shade or two of the darkness is "OK."

And, how much prettier everything seems with even the lightest shade of black added.

Once you take off the black and see things for how they really are, you see the colors for exactly what they (truly) are !

So where am I now...

I'm trusting and loving the Lord.

My life is not mine, it is the Lord's.

I take one day, one moment at a time.

Most of the time I'm just "resting" in His hands experiencing whatever experience He brings to me.

I am not angry or bitter, if I was then everything I've said about God being in control of every aspect of my life would be a lie. To be angry/bitter would show that I really don't trust Him and want control of my own life. Or that I don't trust or accept His decision.

I do experience anguishing loss that comes from somewhere deep within. It comes unannounced. The only thing I can compare it to is death, when you can be fine one minute and then the next your in tears.

So I am truly content within my Lord, my everything ! How I love Him with such a passion !

Anything that happens in this life, may it always only be for His glory !!

The jokes on me...

You know, you think the Lord will save you.

You hope and pray and hope some more.

Then He lets you sink.

He's made clear to me that He is victorious in all this. I took that victorious meant He would swoop in and save the day. Well, obviously He didn't.

He is victorious because like humility - you win when you lose.

I still trust and love my Lord, but He has broken my heart.
He has abandoned me yet again.
So I sit here and just struggle again everyday, every moment.

I miss my husband. It's like a death, one moment I (or the the kids) are fine and the next moment there's tears and such gripping sorrow and agony.

Are we to love only those who deserve our love? Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; that ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven. Matthew 5:43-45

Lord I love you and I lift my voice,
give me a sweet, sweet sound in my ear.

I do not despair or anguish because of my situation.

I feel that either you believe that God is control of everything, or you don't.

I believe He is and I believe He is perfect in EVERYTHING He does !

I am joyful and rejoice because of His love for us.

I read something from one of Jeanne Guyon's books, (paraphrasing) "He does these things so we may be rich."

Where ever your heart is there also is your treasure. My treasure is not of this world, nothing of this world is for me. My treasure is in Him, there I also am.

So please don't be sorrowful for me, rejoice with me for we are made into His image through the trials He Himself chooses to destroy the things within us that are not Him.

He truly IS enough, amen !!

Flip Flop - Flop Flip

So here it is, the last week of my life...

* Ice storm that was horrendous.

* Lost power, stayed with parents.

* Fish in (4)tanks died, including our salt water one.

* Several legal calls and stress, very little sleep.

* Automated number said power was back on, packed car up, went home - no power.

* Drove back to my parents for the duration of the week.

* Saturday morning got call from lawyer. The judge is on his way into the(closed)court house be there in half an hr.

* Husband is basically extorted into taking a "plea deal." If he didn't take it the prosecution threatened to take it to trial and max out all charges.

* Husband will do 5 yrs. in jail.

* Sentencing March 10, 2009 - the day he'll go to jail.

* Must move.

* Cannot move in with my parents (or anybody in complex) because the management will not allow it.

* Will be moving into section 8 housing with our three children.

* Giving back our van, I will not be able to make the payments.

* Will have to give up our three cats.

* Electricity back on today, back home.

* Tired, going to bed - goodnight.

“And He said unto me, my grace is sufficient for thee for my strength is made perfect in weakness, most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9

I have and am struggling to keep my eyes on the Lord.

My husband will be going to trial February 9Th and I am scared.

Our lawyer has made very clear to us the corruption that exists within the prosecutions office. They are pushing forward to trial while lacking the evidence, and they know it. They won't drop it, which is what they're supposed to do if they don't have it.

So...

Everyday is just making it through. Every night is sleepless and full of disturbing dreams and gripping fear. Many days I'm so totally exhausted that my eyelids hurt.

Please pray for us - whatever you feel so inclined to would be appreciated, thank you.

As I walk, I keep my eyes on you my Lord !



As the unknown draws near, I trust you.



When I faint, you bring me to this place.



In the blackness of night, you guard me.



When I'm sinking, only you are my savior !



When I'm lost, you always find me.



Your love never falters, your love is perfect in every way !



I will never take my eyes off of you again... My Lord - my King !

If we are to flourish
If we are to grow into wholeness
We must bloom where ever we are planted

I know that my Lord loves me.

I know that everything He does is so that I may be transformed into His image.

So that I may be freed from myself !

My Lord has stripped me, like someone stripping wood removing every piece of old varnish and sanding down any blemishes. So that the new varnish can compliment and become part of the wood perfectly !

2008 was the most absolutely life changing year of my life.

Absolutely everything has been tested with fire by my Lord.

But I feel that it's been necessary, I would not be the person I am right now if it weren't for the removal of imperfections, insecurities, resentment, anger, pride, and even sin that was entwined within the very core of who I was.

I'm still a mess and still so far from anything holy but I feel like I've made a few strides in the right direction - maybe !

So for this year, my only desire is peace of mind and wonderful absolute nothingness.

I think back a couple yrs. ago and I vaguely remember what it's like to wake up in the morning and have to worry about nothing but taking care of the house, bringing a smile to my husbands face, baking, and playing with my children - those are the days I pray my Lord will return to us.

Until then, I just take one day at a time - that's really all I can do !

Happy New Year to each and everyone of you, may it be richly blessed !

The Christmas card



Today was my husbands Christmas party at work.

I wrote 28 cards one for each of his co-workers (with a personal message, not just a generic greeting.)

When my husband gave one of the cards to someone, he opened it and his eyes filled with tears. He said, "this is the only Christmas card I've got."

What a shame !!!!!

What a shame we've become a society so disconnect and so uncaring, we simply don't care about anybody but ourselves.

Or we don't care about anybody unless they're in our "click."

How somebody is touched by the generosity of a simple Christmas card.

Because this world has become a loveless world.

People know if you're being real, if the love is real. It's like being in love, you either are or you aren't you can't fake it. The same way, you can't fake loving or caring for someone.

Truly touched...

A Christian lady called me today, this is the gist of our conversation.

She lost her husband at the age of 40 yrs. old in August of this yr. He died of a massive heart attack at Holiday World, she has 5 children.

She received such a huge blessing from the town we live in after her husband died that she wanted to give back to someone in our town.

Three of her children have the same names as my three so she felt compelled to pick my children to bless.

As she's telling me this story on the phone she breaks down in tears, I was truly at a loss for words.

There's nothing I could have said to comfort her.

I feel truly unworthy and touched in a way I've never experienced.

How this woman still grieving with the loss of her husband wanted to bless a family because of the kindness she experienced.

May I someday have the kindness and compassion of this woman.

Please join me in prayer for this reflection of our Lord for comfort in her grief. May the peace and love of our Lord touch her and her children in their sorrow !

My "new found" place has returned, Sweet Eternity - living Eternity !

I don't know much, I do know I reside under the shadow of my Lord - my Father - my King.

And that is enough !

Amen !

He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the LORD, [He is] my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.
Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, [and] from the noisome pestilence.
He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth [shall be thy] shield and buckler.
Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; [nor] for the arrow [that] flieth by day;
[Nor] for the pestilence [that] walketh in darkness; [nor] for the destruction [that] wasteth at noonday.
A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; [but] it shall not come nigh thee.
Only with thine eyes shalt thou behold and see the reward of the wicked.
Because thou hast made the LORD, [which is] my refuge, [even] the most High, thy habitation;
There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling.
For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.
They shall bear thee up in [their] hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.
Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder: the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample under feet.
Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name.
He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I [will be] with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him.
With long life will I satisfy him, and shew him my salvation.

As Eternity is found the reflection becomes more clear.

Eternity is hidden, a secret marvelous place.
An ornament of true beauty and grace.
The loveliest of lovelies.
The fulfillment of all hope.

Eternity is a journey.
That slowly unveils.
A new wondrous glimpse, as it reveals itself.

Eternity is purity and joy.
A truly glorious place !
Where love binds together all time and space.

Eternity, where are you
Will you come to me ?
Just look within and trust,
and Eternity you'll see.

Written by Deborah

Well my "new found place" within has become hidden again.

For two days I touched Eternity, my Father allowed me to experience it.

A place beyond anything I've ever experienced.

It was like the wind of joy.
Love that just... was and "held" everything together.
Such simplicity and purity in it's absolute purest form.

Existence that was truly marvelous.

I'm only sharing this because it's SO easy in this world, so full of hate and hopelessness to forget that there is always hope and love.

I have forgot and given up on so many occasions.

We had another "blow" to us, but the things of this world so don't matter because they are only temporary.

There will always be evil forces that are going to haunt us and try to "break us." The Lord is in control of them as well.

As long as we put our trust and faith into our Lord, the rest just doesn't matter a whole lot.

The other thing I've accepted is, it's OK to be a mess. I feel that way because society puts pressure on us to be perfect.

The perfect Mother
The perfect spouse
The perfect Christian
The perfect relationship
The perfect marriage
The perfect children
The perfect church
The perfect life

Well, there is no such thing as the perfect anything, except our Lord.
I used to try to fit into some of these categorizations. Now that I've given it all over to the Lord, I am truly free of pressures this world tries to bind us with.


Beside, our Lord is made strong in our weakness. So I believe that we're not supposed to be strong, if we're strong then we really don't need Him. If we don't need Him then we're lost, no different then a non-believer.

Pure Simplicity

Pure Purity

Love purely

Joy purely

My new found place within my Lord.

My beloved Sisters, the following are the lyrics for two of Jewel's songs from her holiday CD - Joy.

The first is exactly the song that sings from me to my Lord and from my Lord back to me.

Until tonight
my heart was just half full
I'd never known the fruit which fed the soul
Now I see what may rest my longing

For I have seen the face of love
The grace of God, the face of love

In silence I feared my heart
Would remain words unheard
Inside a separateness of skin
But now I know that the skin just veils the soul

So take my hand and knowing
With it I also give my heart
Wanting never to be separate again
Let Eternity begin

If you were a flame
I'd allow myself to be consumed completely
Were you wind I would wish you pass through me
But now I know that the skin just veils the soul

Now the second song...

I've heard your anguish.
Oh I've heard your hearts cry out !
We're tired, oh we are weary
Oh we aren't worn out set down
your chains until only faith remains
Set down your chains and lend your voices
only to sounds of freedom
Oh, no longer lend your strength to that
which we wish to be free from
Fill your lives with love and brav'ry
and we shall lead a life uncommon

There are plenty of people
who pray for peace
But if praying were enough
Oh! It would have come to be
Don't ever let your words enslave no one
and the heavens will hush themselves
To hear our voices sing out clear
with sounds of freedom

Come on you unbelievers
Oh! Move out of the way
There is an army coming
Oh! And we are armed with faith
Oh! Live, Oh! We must give
Oh! Live

And lead our voices only to sounds of freedom
No longer lend your strength
To that which you wish to be free from
Fill your lives with love and brav'ry
And we shall lead
A life uncommon
Fill your lives with love and brav'ry
Oh! And we shall lead
A life uncommon

I absolutely LOVE this CD and think Jewel has the voice of an angel. The words alone don't do justice to the beauty of these songs.

So I am having a give away for this CD, to be entered just leave a comment on this post !

May all of you have an incredibly richly blessed holiday ! May you experience the depths of peace and love as we remember the love that originates from our Lord and savior !

All my love always,
Deborah

Amendment; Please know I am not speaking about one person it's a culmination of years. Also, I do not have ANY anger or resentment towards anybody. It's just where I am right now and realizing how alone I truly am. Sometimes you just wonder why but never get an answer.

I've never felt more alone in my life then I have the last couple days.

A silence that is deafening.

It's an amazing thing when you realize just how much nobody cares.

And they shouldn't (or don't have to,) everybody has there own path to walk.

How busy our lives are and how quickly we shut each other out.

You know I've experienced more persecution and hatred from the hands of Christians.

Everything in my life is so pathetic and messed up. I'm pathetic and messed up.

I've tried to be a friend and sister and have been crapped on so much I don't know what it is to have either anymore.

I guess that's it...

Deborah

Do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you, surely I will help you,
Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
Isaiah{41:10}

What a great verse, if only I could apply it to my life. Or rather, if I could only believe it.

The circumstances in my life are just to bleak.

I have given up hope and dare not even think about finding it again.

Deborah

Sometimes...

It's just all crap !

I've been pretty grumpy, down, and just over all miserable.

Sometimes I feel like God's just "messing with me" or that life is just a big "screw you."

Deborah

So court was yesterday...

And...


It looks like my husbands case is going to a jury trial February 9, 2009 (unless the prosecution decides to make a reasonable deal.)

I'm bumbed because I just wanted this over and it's far from it.

Our lawyer said he can prolong a jury trial for 2-3 yrs.

It's wet and rainy, like my spirit today.

Although, I trust what my Father is doing - I just want it over already. Or rather, I want it over and my husband not having to do (more) jail time.

Deborah

For those of us with (multiple) children...

Sometimes my kids drive me CRAZY with their constant competing with each other !

Like today, my daughter said "Mommy why don't you put pictures of me on your blog."

I just sit sometimes and think, why can't everyone just get along.

I watch as the Lord is changing her and she's had some pretty big crosses in her life already.

What I see in her is a mirror image of what I go through and sometimes I don't act much different then a child. Especially when the Lord is focusing on a specific area to change.

But I'm so proud of my daughter because I'm watching the metamorphosis of growing not just physically but spiritually as well.

To watch what my husband and I have planted (Christ within her)and watered but the Lord has/is giving the increase.

To let her grow into who SHE is, is really neat as a parent. I imagine it's the same with our Father.

What's interesting (to me anyway) is that the same way there was the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost before the foundation of the world.
I see the reflection of that here on earth as our Lord (the foundation,) the Father of a household (the head,) and then his wife (spouse, helpmate, Mother.)

I love you my dear Rachael ! You make me happy and proud in everything you do, even as you're learning and growing up and changing - you make me proud !

Mommy/Deborah

Our newest family member.



I'm so happy, I have finally made fried chicken(see picture below.) I tried it a few times when I was first married and it didn't turn out, so I never tried again.
I was so happy that I actually did it, then the Lord showed me (as He does in the simplest day to day things) how we shouldn't necessarily give up on something because it doesn't work.
I think it's so easy to want to give up sometimes, I know it is for me anyway.
So easy to disregard something.
Sometimes, it just takes a little "tweaking" to get it just right !
It took me 10 yrs. to try making fried chicken again, what if I waited 10 yrs. for something really important. What a waste of time that would be.

Today was such a nice crisp day all day and I spent most of the day washing and folding the clothes that I drug up from the basement for Fall/Winter.
It was so nice (and peaceful) feeling the wind whipping in the door as I would open the dryer, feel the heat and smell the wonderful smell of clean clothes !



Thank you Father for the simplicity of your lessons lately.

Thank you for those praying for me, I feel your prayers and they are the sweetest blessings, thank you !

Deborah

Here's some pics of our new house.

Sometimes something happens, something that you think your past and it pops its ugly head back up, again and again and again.

Fear, why is it fear seems to take on a life of its own.

Kind of like sadness and loneliness...

I hate fear, yet it has popped its ugly head up once again.

My wish, my prayer, my hope, is that there will be a time of peace, laughter, and simplicity.

I want that more than anything.

I want to walk out the door and have no worries or thoughts other then the beauty that surrounds me.

Deborah

I wanted to elaborate a little on a post I recently wrote.

I said that I have no purpose. I feel this way because for me if I think I have a purpose then pride quickly follows.


To have "a purpose" then means that we're needed for something.

If we're (really) needed for something (I think) it shouldn't be for something of ourselves.

Otherwise, I think we have to check our own motives of why and how come.

One thing I've learned is how crafty and tricky Satan can be and how once a door is open it takes much more effort to close it then it ever did to open it.

Deborah

My dear sister Annette posed this question, "what do you get out of posting, what is the purpose anyway?"

I think she makes some great points in her post concerning this.

I think we all have our own reasons why we post.

I would like to take this question one step further thought and ask, what drives us to read what others post ?

What drives us to turn on our computers and look (maybe hope) for a friendly email, a post that maybe makes us feel good or gives us that recipe we've been looking for.

What makes us even care what other people post ?

(In my opinion) I think we're searching, we're searching to connect, to read what someone else is going through, almost as if to get a "peek" at someones diary.

I think in a world that has become disconnected, for many it's the only way to connect. Most people don't even send letters or cards through the mail anymore, it's all email.

Why is it we sit in front of our computer screens and hope that someone on the other end somewhere in the world is reading our story ?

Because we're all searching, wanting, and desiring.

Desiring what, maybe ?

Desiring some sort of "normal" in this crazy world.
Desiring to connect, so our own hollow lives feel like maybe they mean something.
Desiring a listening ear to know that we're not alone.
Desiring to feel... something.
Desiring joy and love.

I write the things that come from within me, I think the rest is just me and I my human self am a terrible mess. So that is why I write what I write.

As for why I read, I hope to find someone like myself who has a passionate love for my Lord. In a world that is so full of hatred and evil, it's comforting to know that someone maybe, really, does care. I read to maybe find some hope when I can find none within myself. Finally I read because it brings me joy.

I think we all have our own reasons what's yours ?

Deborah

Matthew 25:31-46 (Amplified Bible)
Amplified Bible (AMP)

31 When the Son of Man comes in His glory (His majesty and splendor), and all the holy angels with Him, then He will sit on the throne of His glory.

32 All nations will be gathered before Him, and He will separate them [the people] from one another as a shepherd separates his sheep from the goats;

33 And He will cause the sheep to stand at His right hand, but the goats at His left.

34 Then the King will say to those at His right hand, Come, you blessed of My Father [you [a]favored of God and appointed to eternal salvation], inherit (receive as your own) the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world.

35 For I was hungry and you gave Me food, I was thirsty and you gave Me something to drink, I was a stranger and you [b]brought Me together with yourselves and welcomed and entertained and [c]lodged Me,

36 I was naked and you clothed Me, I was sick and you visited Me with help and ministering care, I was in prison and you came to see Me.

37 Then the just and upright will answer Him, Lord, when did we see You hungry and gave You food, or thirsty and gave You something to drink?

38 And when did we see You a stranger and welcomed and entertained You, or naked and clothed You?

39 And when did we see You sick or in prison and came to visit You?

40 And the King will reply to them, Truly I tell you, in so far as you did it for one of the least [in the estimation of men] of these My brethren, you did it for Me

41 Then He will say to those at His left hand, Begone from Me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels!

42 For I was hungry and you gave Me no food, I was thirsty and you gave Me nothing to drink,

43 I was a stranger and you did not welcome Me and entertain Me, I was naked and you did not clothe Me, I was sick and in prison and you did not visit Me with help and ministering care.

44 Then they also [in their turn] will answer, Lord, when did we see You hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to You?

45 And He will reply to them, Solemnly I declare to you, in so far as you failed to do it for the least [in the estimation of men] of these, you failed to do it for Me.

46 Then they will go away into eternal punishment, but those who are just and upright and in right standing with God into eternal life.

When love and duty are one, grace is within...